Ask a Health Coach – Sex Ed – “How can I increase my oral sex skills with my wife?”

beneath blankets


“How can I increase my oral sex skills with my wife?” – Tired Tongue


The pursuit of oral pleasure is a lifelong quandary for many – not only men and women looking to increase their oral sex techniques, but also men and women who want to get the most out of their receiving experience. (I’ll write a complementary article about oral sex for men at another time and reserve this one for women.)


Oral sex has traditionally been a rather taboo subject – in the olden days, oral sex was considered sodomy and therefore illegal (oral sex was not decriminalized in the US until 1971). While we can all be grateful those days are over, there are still some lingering ideas about oral that can turn a delightful act into one that triggers feelings of guilt or obligation. And who wants that? Let’s dive in and discuss how you can give your female partner more pleasure with your mouth!



Your female partner may struggle with many of the negative societal impressions we all receive about vaginas and vulvas – they’re dirty, they smell bad, or they’re unattractive (plastic surgery to make vulvas look like those of porn stars or even children are extremely common in our country).  Talk about this with her. Maybe she’s more comfortable receiving oral if she’s recently shaved or had a shower. Maybe she’s insecure with what you see down there – if so, tell her how much you enjoy the way she looks/tastes/feels!

A note to guys especially: there are many reasons why she might not want oral when you offer it or might not want you to stay down there for long – and it may have nothing to do with your skills. If she’s got gas or having intestinal problems, the last thing she’s going to want is for your face to be down there, and she may not feel comfortable telling you (there’s really not a sexy way to say, “I’m worried I might fart in your face”). If she’s nearing or coming off her period or struggling with an infection, she may not want any oral attention. Keep this in mind and don’t let your ego get bruised.

If the light is green, however, check with her to see what kind of lighting she wants – many women feel on display if it’s bright in the room, which can keep them from relaxing. Try candles or floor lamps in the bedroom if she prefers dim lighting (but you need some light to see what you’re doing). Pro tip: Make sure her legs and feet are warm – warm feet lead to a statistically higher likelihood of orgasm for women. Invite her to keep her socks on or drape some blankets over her legs if she wants.



Finding out what she likes can be challenging if she’s not used to speaking up. If you ask her what she likes and she’s out of ideas, try some different things and ask which she likes better. Example: “Do you like it harder…“ and do it harder – “or softer?” – and do it softer. See which she prefers. For some incredible techniques, check out The Going Down Guide by Emily Dubberley and Al Needham (which contains techniques for both male and female receivers).

I highly recommend getting to know your lady’s anatomy and hot spots better. Books like Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston can help you understand which parts do what and give you a greater understanding of the biology behind her sexual experience. You can experiment with putting pillows under her hips to make it easier on your neck or having her seated on a chair, counter or edge of the bed. Pro tip: Place one hand under her sacrum while you go down on her – a hand placed on a large bone area can have a calming effect. Use the thumb of that hand to massage the opening of her vagina.


Wetter is Better

Always. Use. Lube. Don’t rely on your own saliva or her arousal fluids – those things are variable and friction simply doesn’t feel great for ladies. Whether you’re using your mouth or your hands, lube always helps. H2O makes a great line of flavored lubes that are condom-friendly. Note: if your lady is prone to yeast infections or urinary tract infections, get a non-flavored, edible lube (flavored lubes often contain a lot of sugar, which can offset the natural PH balance for some women and lead to infections – Sliquid Organics is great to try). Pro tip: Massage lube on her vulva before going down, then if you want to use your fingers to stimulate or penetrate vaginally or anally, apply more lube to your fingers before you do so.



Using some toys can give your jaw a break if you’re getting tired but still want to keep going. There are many things you can use to enhance her experience while you go down on her – vibrating bullets, dildos, anal toys, or textured finger covers. (Browse around for some ideas!) Experiment with a few of these and see what she likes. Pro tip: Don’t reserve oral sex to just foreplay. Try taking a break from intercourse to give her some oral attention or use it as afterplay. Using it as a break from intercourse can increase her experience and also help everything last longer for both of you.



If you’re not already fluid-bonded, be aware that many STDs can be transmitted through oral sex. If you’d like some extra protection, you can use dental dams, latex gloves, or even a condom cut in half lengthwise (you can place the lubricated side down on her and put flavored lube on your side to make it taste less rubbery). If you use a dental dam, be sure to add lube on the side facing her so she’s got some extra sensation. Remember, health is sexy!


If you’ve got your own tips and advice, leave it here in the comments!




Keep sending your wonderful questions! You can submit anonymously here. If you’d like to set up a complimentary consultation with me, let me know – I’d love to talk with you!

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